Retail Hell - The List

Welcome to the first installment of Retail Hell.

I am not a very good people person so naturally I work in retail. After having a job that nickels and dimes me every day I created a means to vent my frustration by creating a list of funny/horrible things I do or have seen other people do at work.

This is basically a rip off of the infamous Skippy's list but I am hoping since its retail more people will be able to relate to it. This list is ongoing so further updates in the future.

Also I think it’s important that I point out that Aaron did some of the things on this list.

Things I’m am no longer allowed to do at work

1. When a customer asks for a mouse im am not to tell them that they should go to petsmart.

2. I should not imply that a person is too stupid to own a computer.

3. I am not allowed to tell a customer their ideas for what to do with a computer are stupid.

4. I should not refer to the apple ilife as the Aryan life. The fact that their computers are mostly all white should not be pointed out to support my term.

5. If a customer looks high I am not allowed to ask if they are on drugs or if they were born that way.

6. Calling the store my bitch is rude and can be interpreted as sexual harassment toward the store.

7. We should not use the shopping carts to have jousting matches.

8. I should not make fun of customers in front of other customers.

9. I should not try to blow the undercover security guards cover by saying five-oh when i see him.

10. I am to speak in the pa system with a soft single tone voice.

11. If a customer annoys me and wants something I should not go to the warehouse and make them wait 15 minutes before telling them we don’t have it.

12. I should not/cannot sell a warranty plan for a mouse pad.

13. I should not suggest a customer is doing illegal activities. Even if they are buying 5 cases of blank DVDs and paying in cash.

14. I am not allowed to point out a customer’s stupidity even if they were trying to point out mine.

15. I should not point out the stores layout flaws to customers.

16. I am not allowed to build a pyramid out of compressed air cans as a tribute to the supervisor’s inability to run the store.

17. It is rude to laugh at people who come into the store and try to buy floppy disks.

18. There is no such thing as a 3 day waiting period in order to do a background check on a person trying to buy a pc.

19. We should not point and laugh at customers who try to get into the store after it has closed.

20. It is wrong to try and sell a printer to a person by putting them under the illusion that it is a computer.

21. When filling out a time correction sheet I am not allowed to put "hang over" as a cause for my tardiness.

22. I am not the dungeon master of the merchandise cage and should not force managers to answer 3 questions before letting them enter.

23. I should not avoid helping customers by telling them I don’t speak English.

24. "fo sho" is not the proper response to a request from a manager.

25. An antivirus does not protect computers against STD's and telling a customer that is morally wrong.

26. I should not list "easy accessibility to porn" as a benefit of having the internet.

27. When a customer can’t afford software I should not show them how to download it illegally.

28. The proper way to greet a customer is by saying "hi, how can I help you" not "I got what you need"

29. If I have missed work because of a death in my family I should not offer to give a picture of the coffin to my supervisor as proof.

30. The I in ilife does not stand for idiot.

31. People who own Macs are not materialistic or full of themselves (most of the time).

32. We do not price computers according to how much porno they can hold or how fast they can download it.

33. Employees are not to be referred to as the non-gay version of geek squad.

34. When someone ask how to clean out their hard drive I should not assume they are trying to get rid of their porno stash.

35. I should not refer to gender changing cables as transvestite cables or sexually confused/challenged cables.

36. It is wrong to lock other sales associates in the front cage.

37. I am not allowed to answer the phone by saying "Dominos pizza."

38. Nothing we sell will blow up a customer or their family.

39. If a customer does not like the way he is being treated I should not tell them to go to CompUSA.

40. Standing next to a powerful wireless router is not equivalent to having a microwave next to your head.

41. Sales associates do not carry or have access to security guns.

42. Sales associates are not allowed to hold meetings and make managers cover for them.

43. When a product is of very good quality we are to say it is a good product not "it's the shit."

44. There are no such things as wireless cables.

45. When a customer asks for RAM I should not tell him we only sell goats here.

46. We are not allowed to put returns in stocking boxes. Even if it’s a Friday and its half past ten.

47. We are not allowed to hide returns behind other merchandise a.k.a easter egging

48. I am not allowed to play ultimate Frisbee on the sales floor.

49. I should not call in artillery strikes using the manager’s wakie talkies.

50. I am to sticker products not people.

51. Our store did not give birth to Bill Gates.

52. I should not ride the warehouse flatbeds as scooters.

53. I am not allowed to bypass the stores firewall to watch youtube.

54. I should not hide security tags in fellow employees belongings so that they get searched by security.

55. The word "union" is not management’s kryptonite.

56. It is not appropriate to flash the bar code scanner in the eyes of fellow employees while they are helping a customer. even if it makes the customer laugh.

57. I should not lock the name tags of other employees in the processor cage and hide the key so they have to page a manager and look stupid. No matter how funny it is to watch them wait for the manager to arrive.

58. I should not convince management I speak polish by talking broken German.

59. When picking up my paycheck I should use my real name not the name of the general manager.

60. When informing customers that we compete with circuit city I am not allowed to say we have an all out street fight with them in which the side that kills the other side’s GM first wins. I am to imply that it is strictly business competition.

61. 66. When corporate visits I am not to advise all of management to get them drunk off their asses.

62. When I am bored I should not scare the customers by saying strange things to them.

63. Giving out fake technical support to lazy customers who don’t want to use the internet is not a good idea.

64. A tuxedo shirt does not count as formal attire for work.

65. When two employees disagree about something I should not try to get them to have a knife fight.

66. My sarcasm is not to be used in front of customers.

67. When there are no customers around I should not suggest we have fight club.